Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
