I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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