I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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