Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
