he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I supernannyed him into submission
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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