I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
