I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
