Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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