I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
