I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
