She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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