Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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