Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
