my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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