me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
