Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is Oprah even human
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
