I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
