Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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