I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
