im holly from the hills drunk
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
