there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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