I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
