I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
