First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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