just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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