I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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