During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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