Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
