I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
