Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
