Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
where am i from again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
