Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
