I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
