I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
