you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
