New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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