I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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