I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
