What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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