She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
