Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
