Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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