I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
