Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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