I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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