I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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