Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
