You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
