dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
