I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
