Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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