The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
